View of time when nothing, or everything, matters

Up until the beginning of 2021 I was certain I’d be dead before turning 25. I didn’t say it as a joke, I was totally convinced I wouldn’t make it that far since I’d considered suicide so many times. This does something to the way life in general works.

When I’ve gotten the question “where du you see yourself in five years?” I’ve laughed. Probably in a coffin or on my way there. On the same question but regarding 10 years there haven’t been an alternative answer. I haven’t thrown that at people but the question has lingered. How fun it’d be if I, too, could answer “with a family and an employment I’m satisfied with”.

But I’m suicidal. One of my most inveterate skills is to hurt myself and I’m an expert at being a complete pain in the ass for everyone around me. There’s no five- or ten year plan for me. Every day is one step closer to my death and my parents will be at the funeral. Nothing matters much, I’ll be dead soon anyways.

..Such happy mindset, right?

It’s been a long and crooked way. I’ve seen a lot of doctors and a lot of psychiatrists. I’ve spoken to friends and family. When it was almost too late I finally found the right help for me.

In June 2021 I celebrated my 25th birthday. An age I never thought I’d reach. I wasn’t really sure how to celebrate, either with something big or just being alone, enjoying my new will to live. Because the thing is, nowadays I’ve got both energy and will to survive. If I think about where I am in five or ten years now, I’m unsure. I’m unsure because all of a sudden I actually do have a life I don’t know what I want to make of.

The big questions, like what I want to work with or where I want to live (and with whom) might not be the most uplifting, but as a matter of fact even they are fun. Suddenly I’ve got a whole life to mould and develop into something I want, instead of just existing trough one day after another. Do I want an apartment? House? Do I want to stay in Uppsala or move to another city? Another country? What do I want to do for a living? At a company or self employed? Do I want to hire people? It’s up to ME. If I want to move abroad and hire ten people I can. I’ve got time. Life sure is short, but not as short as I thought it would be.

A while ago I was told that the dinner the previous night was incredibly enjoyable and that I turned everyone’s mood up a notch. That has NEVER happened before and the funniest part about it is that I didn’t even know what she was talking about. I didn’t do anything special, I just enjoyed myself and had fun with a bunch of people I enjoy spending time with. But it seems as since I found my will to live, I am now able to make other peoples’ lives more enjoyable as well. Instead of resembling a storm cloud I can now contribute to the whole group’s well being, and as a friend told me; “congratulations, now you’re funny to spend time with!”.

Instead of thinking “life is short, nothing matters” I now think “life is short, EVERYTHING matters”. I don’t want the shortcut to life’s end but the long and pleasant way. Every minute counts, every encounter. When I meet someone I disagree with I try to understand how and why that person reasons as they do instead of thinking they are an idiot, because I might meet someone similar in the future. That issue with a partner needs to be discussed because I don’t want unnecessary discomfort.

I weed out what I don’t want and I care for what I want. EVERYTHING matters and everything has consequences since I actually plan on staying put for longer than the duration of the action itself. Even my view on children has changed. For all my life getting children has been a big NO since I wouldn’t be there for it, and if I would I’d be a terrible mother. But it doesn’t feel like it anymore. I don’t long for children and it’s unlikely I’ll have any, but the thought isn’t repulsing anymore. The difference is huge.

It’s not entirely easy to suddenly have so much will to live. I stumble, get overwhelmed from all of my choices and I can feel a little panicked from not knowing what to do, but it’s okay. I’ll mange just fine. I’m even aiming for learning how to cook, because it’ll be many meals throughout a whole life. It wasn’t important before since I was going to die soon. Why would I bother?  But I wished for and got a new frying pan for my 25th birthday. I’m going to cook so many meals in my new frying pan.

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