Depression is not feeling down

“Pull yourself together”
“It’s not that bad”
“But your life is good, what are you complaining about?”

I think these are the three most common statements I’ve heard from people when I’ve been at the bottom. I realize the intention is to make me feel better, but what they don’t seem to understand is that I know it’s not that bad and that I’ve got a really fortunate life. But how much has that helped? Not much. 

Let’s make something clear; depression is NOT when your feeling gloomy, tired and a bit unmotivated because it’s months until summer, your new boss is a pain in the ass or when your jeans from three years ago don’t fit anymore since you’ve been living on junk food for said three years. That’s life with it’s usual set-backs, they hit us all and they belong to life. Depression is when you’ve got an apartment, a significant other you love and who loves you, a stable economy and a job and you still feel like everything is an impervious darkness, that you can’t breathe and you lay awake all night because the thought of everything being better if you die devours you. 

Depression is not when you’re ungrateful. Depression is not when you’re lazy. Depression is when you want to be better for yourself and for others. It’s self-hatred, petrifying fear and not having energy for more than simply existing. Being depressed is when instead of thinking the person who hit you is an idiot, you think you’re an idiot for thinking you deserved something else than being hit. It’s when you envy the person at the funeral who’s being carried out. Being depressed is looking at the most beautiful sunset known to man but not seeing the colors.

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